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The Dutiful Game

  • Writer: laura Gill
    laura Gill
  • Jun 10
  • 6 min read

Duty. One word but so many meanings, so many expectations, so many limitations and such burnout. Some people, they thrive on having duties, it gives them a purpose, an identity, a fabric in which they weave their life, both professionally and personally. Their duties become the values that they live by. But for some, the word duty and the expectation it has, is drowning them as they try to balance their modern life expectations coupled with the generational, cultural, racial and gender based expectations or duties, that are placed upon them.


This word really has resonated with me over the last few years - well more like the last 20 years. Writing 20 years feels like such a big number, it makes me feel my tender age of 42, but the duties I feel or should I say, used to feel before cutting the strings that were almost restraining me from living, have been present for years, decades even.


When do we first become aware of having a duty - an expectation upon us. Is it as early back as single digits? Is it when we take a pledge in a group or club, we promise to uphold their values, we make it our duty to do so. Is it within a religion or place of worship? We promise to uphold the faith, the teachings, to show our neighbours and community what we are upholding this and being members of the faith by doing so? Is it when we gain a pet? We take on the duty of caring for that pet as they cannot do that without our help - it almost becomes part of the deal of having that pet. As a parent and the pleas for dogs, cats, rabbits and any other animal that comes along have been made over the years, it has been a case of outlining everything that they need doing for them in order to look after them properly - to love and care for them. Are we beginning this road of duty from such a tender young age? But is that ok as we are teaching responsibility, to include the needs of others, to look after our community? Surely if there is no risk to it overtaking our lives then that duty is ok?


When trying to find statistics for those who feel a burden, it was hard to even locate! It's impossible to give a precise number of people who feel the burden of a duty, as it's a subjective experience that varies greatly from person to person. However, studies and common sense suggest that a significant portion of the population experiences the feeling of being burdened, whether by obligations, responsibilities, or simply the demands of daily life. So what are some of these demands? How do feel a sense of duty which can impact our daily life, to the point we are not living authentically but more to fulfil the needs of others?


A subjective duty is when we feel personally a duty which can start to burden us. It can be influenced by individual stressors in our lives, personalities etc.

Age and life stage duties can feel heavy depending on the time. When we become parents, we take on another duty; to love, protect and raise our child(ren). It is a daily duty and one that I regularly get asked the question of "does it get easier" to which my response is along the lines of "it changes". When we leave full time education, we have a duty (most of the time) to get a job, earn an income, become independent and pay for our own things, whether that is rent, mortgage, council tax, bills, food, holidays, credit cards - the list continues! When we get married, we can take on a different duty - the duty of being a wife or husband. These roles have significantly changed over the years, but also carry some very stuck expectations of each role, the "pink and blue jobs" which I hear thrown around in society as a way of designating roles in the house.


It is considering these that my thoughts have also come to consider the work presented by Rosjke Hasseldine in her book "The Mother Daughter Puzzle". She has looked at the duties of women in the world and how those expectations have been passed down through the generations. Are we still conforming to age old duties? Are we now living by modern day duties? Or are we actually facing burn out as we are trying to do both? Are we trying to be a stay at home, full time working mum and housewife, whilst also caring for our sick parent or grandparent? Are we trying to work full time hours, whilst getting to every football game or gymnastic competition, whilst also doing all the housework or fixing things around the house, whilst being away and then at home visiting our parents once a week and be a husband? Please forgive me if they fell into any gender specific roles - I was trying to highligh a mix of both from previous generational expectations as well as now - I was actually tired writing the list, imagine living it! Are you? Does any of this resonate?


It did with me for many years. Firstly, it is not as easy nowadays to have stay at home parents - financial constraints just don't allow it. And how does society treat those parents? Are they being villified or are they being praised to try and provide for their childrens needs? Are their certain roles in the house or is their jobs that need doing and you work to your strengths? Maybe one person cooks, one person cleans, one person decorates, one person shops - not because it is the duty they have fallen into, but because it is their strength or something they enjoy. And maybe, they are not caring for their elderly or sick relative - not because they don't care about them, but because it is not their duty to, they want to live their life fully and they know they are not equipped to provide that care that the individual needs. How is society with that one? Are they slandered, are they deemed as poor children or grandchildren because they don't want to do that?


The word duty originates from a Latin word "debere" meaning to owe or an obligation. It's meaning now, in the Oxford Dictionary is a moral or legal obligation / responsibility.


What duty do you want to have? Do you want to have a duty to others? Do you want to have a duty to your culture, faith or tradition? Do you want to have a duty to yourself? Or can it be a mixture of all of those things without guilt, without fear of judgement, without fear of measurement to others? My duty in life is to be my most authentic self. To be a person of faith, a wife, a mother, a family member, a friend, Laura. I am sure even as people read this, they may even question the order I put them in but for me as long as I am all them, including the one at the end, the one that has been lost so many times over the years as I became a mother, or a wife, that I keep to also being Laura. To the duty to myself, to love myself, to take care of myself, to make sure the choices and actions I make are good and wholesome and impact positively those around me including me.


What is my duty? Is it to the past or the present? Is it to what society and others around me expect? I believe it is to live authentically, to do the things that make me and others happy but inturn, not sacrificing my happiness. Don't be afraid to be you - you matter, you are valued, you are special! Otherwise we face burnout, we can face heartache, hardship. Baz Luhrmann also said "a life lived in fear is a life half lived". Life fully.


Disclaimer

Please note this blog is for informational / reflection purposes only. It does not substitute medication or provide diagnosis or advice. If you are experiencing any mental health problems, please contact a qualified health care provider or professional.

This blog is not to be used as advice or actions, it is purely a reflection by the author on a subject of their interest.


 
 
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I am a qualified counsellor with qualifications including:

Level 2 Counselling Studies

Level 3 Counselling Skills

Level 4 Diploma in Counselling Skills

Level 5 in Somatic Trauma Therapy. 

I also have extensive work and experience of working with disordered eating, anxiety, depression, childhood trauma, the mother daughter relationship, ASD, ADHD, suicidal ideation, survivor guilt and abandonment.

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